Spray-can Hits Raw Nerve

I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would choose the tedious complexities of a conversation about the trans-generational trauma unleashed by colonisation and the 250 years of subsequent oppression of First Nations Peoples over a simple, reassuring narrative about dole-bludgers desecrating our national heritage with their Marxist filth.

In the interest of public order, I feel someone must reassure an understandably rattled Australian public that the mysterious figure recently caught on CCTV, splashed across the media and rightfully dubbed a ‘cowardly criminal’ by our Prime Minister (henceforth referred to as ‘Strong Leader’ or S.L.) was not a deranged jihadist or a serial rapist, but a lefty-pinko-tree-hugger with a spray-can.

Be assured, however, that no-one died and no living creature was injured, as a consequence of the man’s actions, although three pigeons were possibly inconvenienced. The pigeons hardly have a right to complain, having enjoyed shitting on Captain Cook’s head, quite without remorse, since the monument’s unveiling in 1879.

The strong words of our great S.L. will be widely applauded by those who recognise the real transgression of this spray-can wielding degenerate. Jabbing with such savage ferocity at the heart of our Australian identity, it was his audacity to demand, with such ill-bred delinquency, that Anglo-Australia should take a fair and honest approach to reflecting on its past and making reparations in the future.

Unfortunately, your average Captain Cook memorial plaque offers less ad-space than a twitter post, so all he could manage was ‘no pride in genocide’ on one surface of the Sydney statue and ‘change the date’ on another (for the benefit of my millions of overseas readers, this refers to the national celebration of ‘Australia Day’, which shares an anniversary with the warmly welcomed arrival of the first colonial fleet in 1788, bringing fairy bread to all the native children and generally spreading joy and loveliness all around).

Apparently, a handful of ungrateful Gen ‘Y’ feminist, homosexualist-types choose to reflect on the foundations of our great country a little differently. But you can’t please everyone, can you.

I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would choose the tedious complexities of a conversation about the trans-generational trauma unleashed by colonisation and the 250 years of subsequent oppression of First Nations Peoples over a simple, black and white narrative about dole-bludgers desecrating our national heritage with their Marxist filth. Seems simple enough to me and S.L.

If consumers of Australian media would tune into more Current Affair or Today Tonight and less of whatever socialist, free-loving propaganda is being peddled as news by SBS (Socialists, Boat-people & Shirt-lifters), this country would be a far more comprehensible place for all of us.

I hope I’ve helped to clear a few things up.

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